The only thing Constant in life is change

It might surprise many of my faithful readers that I am updating my blog again.  You’d given up on me hadn’t you?

Lately I’ve been itching to get back to writing about my life and connecting with my friends and family in a way that I have always loved.

But, things are different now that I’m back.  Some things I’m going to want to keep private.  Some things might only be for me.  That’s because my life is changed.

I’m not the married, childless, American living in England – biding her time until she could talk her spouse into getting a visa for the states.

Now (deep breath, Jamie) I’m the single (divorced *cringe*) American living in England because, well, because I want to.

Lets clear up a few things.

Chris and I are still very good friends.  The divorce was final in April, but it hasn’t been too difficult because we are still in each others lives.  We travel together, spend days out together, talk, text, and continue navigating our way through this uncharted experience.  The reasons for the divorce are ours, and ours alone.  Its our story and one that only we will tell, when and if we’re ready.  Have there been tears and heartbreak along the way?  Of course, probably more than I can count.  But, I’m thankful everyday (mostly everyday) that we settled things in a way that allow us to have a friendly relationship.  There will be no bashing of the ex on this blog – friends just don’t do that.

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So, I hear you ask, if you are divorced and he was a major reason you stayed in England – WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?  That, my friend, is a great question and I still don’t even have an answer for myself, yet alone anyone else who might wonder and question it.  I do know one thing for absolute sure, England is my home.  I’ve been an adult longer here than in America.  Me and England?  We’ve been through a lot!  Just because I am now on my own, that doesn’t change much.  I am settled here, I love it here, and if it only had my friends and family I’d be completely happy (anyone want to move over?  Visit?  Anyone??).  I’ve searched, studied, prayed, asked nicely, and begged for an answer of what I need to do with my life.  I am still waiting, but in the meantime I am going to be taking advantage of some great opportunities for my future while I’m still here – however long that may be.

I am lucky that I still have the twins in my life as well.  They are going to a new school in the Autumn and I, luckily, get to look after them still.  They make me crazy and frustrated and happy and peaceful all at the same time. 

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Luckily, this change in my life hasn’t made me bitter and angry with the church.  I am so blessed that I still treasure my testimony and membership.  Don’t get me wrong there are times where I want to scream and shout, “ITS NOT FAIR! WHY??” but I am learning to lean on my Saviour even more to answer those tough questions.  My calling in our newly created ward as a member of the Primary Presidency has helped me to focus on the basics. 

I also have been on the “Divorce Diet” as my mom calls it.  I am finding joy in taking care of myself in every way including physically.  I am sure it is something I will mention in future posts, but I wont ever say how much I’ve lost, just that I’m focusing on me and you know what? It feels great when I get out there and do it!

In the future there will be some posts that will be private and unavailable to read.  But hopefully, I’ll keep having adventures and keeping a record of it right here on this blog!  Stay tuned!

Me, single again?  That’s bound to create some stories right there!

Long Overdue (and not with a baby)

Well this entry is LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG overdue. As I sat down to try to sort out where to start and what to say, I realised I have quite a bit to say so this might be the first update of many.

I think I will do it in bullet lists to help make things a bit easier to understand:

* I recovered from my surgery quite well. No other complications (except scars that look like division signs).

* I found it surprisingly easy to come to terms with what the Doctor said about my future chances (30%).

* I was coping quite well, until we got a depressing letter a few days before Christmas that made things sound A LOT more bleak. I do believe the number 10% was used. It was awful to get right before an already difficult holiday, and put a different “spin” on how Chris and I celebrated the holidays.

* We finally got a new appointment for the end of January (this was an URGENT appointment made 2 months later – welcome to the NHS system). The Doctor was very nice and said I would need further surgery and a bit more serious. At the end of the day, my chances to conceive naturally are just as good as IVF (to me that is hopeful). They said to call in 10 days after the appointment to find out when the surgery was… now over a month later… we are still waiting (nearly 2 whole years since the whole process started – you’d think 2 months wouldn’t make a huge difference – BUT IT DOES!)

I have so many things that I want to talk about, complain about, and be thankful about – but it is late, so that will have to wait.

I continue to be amazed at the support I get from dear friends and family. Thank you… your comments are not ever read without a tear in my eye and a prayer of thanks in my heart.

More later… and be prepared, BOY do I have some complaints to get off my chest!

P.S. I just added the option to “follow me” – because I post so irregularly it might help you to know what I actually write.

The Sucky NHS

So, I have decided that the NHS really does officially suck.

I have had to phone the fertility doctor and my GP to chase up a referral that Dr M should have made.

Upon speaking with her secretary, we find out that Dr M hasn’t even sent the referral across to Dr R.

I’m just wondering at what point do we tell them to try and stop playing God with our lives and our abilities to have children.

Do I really have to do the Dr’s jobs for them.

The Rope Just Got A Bit Longer

So…

Once I woke up on Wednesday I made the phone call to Dr. R’s secretary. I explained to her that I knew that I hadn’t worked with Dr. R before, but I was told to have Chris’ test results sent to him by my GP and I was interested in the results and also making an appointment as soon as possible with Dr. R. I was quickly told that 1. They don’t tell test results over the phone, and 2. I would have to go to my GP to give me another referral because the one I got last MAY had expired (they didn’t have any record of the one from October that shouldn’t have expired).

I hung up the phone and got right back onto the phone to my GP. I told the receptionist that I needed to speak to Dr. M as soon as possible about getting another referral. She told me she’d leave a message on the computer for her but she didn’t know when Dr. M would get back to me.

I had to run off and take my driving test and so I crossed my fingers that Dr. M would call and Chris could speak to her (he is more persuasive).

Later that day when I called Chris he said that she did call back, he explained the situation and what the secretary said. At this point Dr. M got very frustrated (at Dr. R) and said the referral should be valid still and that she would call the secretary herself and get an appointment.

Good news! I am lucky that I have a GP that is on my side but, why wouldn’t she be? She has been struggling with medical professionals for us since May – she must be frustrated with them wasting her time as well.

So now we are back to waiting for an appointment – I think next week I will be making a call to Dr. R to make sure that there is something in the works. I’ll get in there to see him if its the last thing I do!

The Waiting Game… Not Such A Fun Game.

Hello! I know it has been a while since I wrote, and I don’t have an excuse for it except that I’ve had a very hard few weeks.

I thought an update would be in order.

We took the sample in Friday the 20th with no incident (even had time to stop at McDonalds). I kept it in my pocket, as suggested, to keep it warm and once we got to the hospital I thought we’d be in for a wait because we had to make an appointment (and its the NHS). Chris’ sister came in with us so she didn’t have to wait in the car. After trekking to the other end of the hospital we came to the Pathology Department window, the man took the sample from us, shook it around a bit, asked us some slightly personal questions (keeping in mind Chris’ sister was there so we were trying to be as discreet as possible), and then said, “okay you’ll have the results in about 3 weeks!” We said thank you and went home.

I guess at the first of this process I would have been very impatient about the results, but this time I haven’t even noticed the wait. Yesterday I said to Chris, “Why don’t you call the hospital at the off chance that the sample results are in.” He did and we were told to call our regular doctor.

Chris called the office and the receptionist answered the phone. Usually, when there are test results the doctor gets them and then types on the screen what to tell the patient the results are. Surprisingly when Chris called the test results were in (shocking!) but the receptionist said she couldn’t tell us the results and we’d have to make an appointment with the regular doctor to discuss things further.

Suddenly my complacency turned to anxiety with questions shooting through my mind about why the doctor needed to talk to us. The way the surgery (doctors office) works here is if we want an appointment with the doctor pre-bookable appointments are usually a 2 week wait, but they leave several appointments available each day at first come first serve – you have to call right at 8:00 in the morning and hope there are places left, so that is what we have to do for Monday.

Last night I said to Chris, “are you worried about the results?” he said, “no, they are what they are – no use worrying about them, nothing you can do.” Do I wish he was a little more passionate about it? Yes! Do I wish he was kept up at night with thoughts of the future like I am? Yes! But, am I so grateful that I have a husband who can stay calm and inject a sense of sanity into the situation? YES!

I know he’s right – whatever the test results are, they are – no use worrying. We’ll do what we can with the information given… says my rational mind…

But my louder, emotional mind is shouting at me, “This could put an end to your hopes!” and I cant get it to be quiet!

And the Wait Continues…

The appointment today didn’t work out.

Next appointment available to take in a sample and drop it off at the front desk?? Feb. 20th – the wait continues.

(Chanting in my mind) Patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue.

I am keeping it all inside and being calm… but you can bet the next time I am suffering with my MIND NUMBING cramps… I might not be so silent.

Just a warning.