These last few weeks have been pretty uneventful and although I have a renewed motivation to write on my blog, there isn’t much to write about. A lot of people have reached out to me lately and made sure I was okay when they heard news of the divorce. Chris and I kept it pretty quite (on purpose) while it was still going through the courts. We didn’t want to deal with the gossip or the questions that we weren’t quite ready to address either. I started letting a few friends and family know last summer but we never officially announced it anywhere so when I put a picture on Facebook and mentioned the divorce, it elicited some kind and loving reactions that helped to heal my heart – thank you.
Ha! Look at me saying “we”! Funny, that’s one of the hardest things to change. After being a “we” for so long and now I’m just me.
Last Saturday I had the opportunity (see I called it an opportunity) to play the piano at a lovely friends wedding. She’s a member of the ward. I don’t know her as well as I know her dad and brother who have been my Home Teachers and supported me through the last few years. I was more than happy to help his family after the help they’ve given me.
Me and my very British fascinator!
I got the music and I was scared, like run and hide scared. I guess I should be flattered that they thought that I could play such complicated pieces. With a lot, A LOT of editing and missing out notes I managed to get some arrangements I felt okay with. I always get so nervous when I play piano for anything except Sacrament Meeting and Primary. My hands turn ice cold and the shake uncontrollably. This doesn’t help with the mistakes while playing. That day I said a prayer that one of my favourite people, My Grandma – who gave me my first piano and ignited the love of playing, would help me be calm and make up for my many musical shortcomings. And she sure did! I managed to get through the songs with few (noticeable) mistakes and felt semi-calm while doing it. What a blessing!
A congratulatory note to myself at the end of the hardest song.
What I didn’t plan for was the wedding itself. The ceremony. The love. The excitement for the future. And to be honest I was caught completely off guard. It really hurt my heart. I was so happy for the couple getting married they were so happy and joyful. But, I couldn’t help but look back at my wedding and feel a sense of loss. My cynical side was constantly chiming in… (Speaker) “This is just the start of your eternal family. (Cynical Jamie) “Yeah, maybe… give it a few years.” And so on and so on…. And then I stopped (because the last thing I want to be is cynical about love) and listened, and I’ll be honest I shed a few tears (hidden behind the piano – the front of the chapel was hardly the place to have a breakdown!).
I’ve learned that grieving a divorce, for me, is similar to the process of grieving childlessness. It doesn’t happen all at once. Sometimes there are unexpected tears and the emotions just come up out of nowhere and I don’t know what to do with them. But I’m slowly learning that I have to give myself time.
In those nights that I cried and cried to my Heavenly Father and asked why he wouldn’t bless me with a child I never dreamed that that experience would be for my good. That, that experience would help me be more gentle with myself through this experience. Now, after 10 years and a divorce I am so thankful that he knows better than me. Divorce is hard but, I would imagine, divorce with children is even harder. I am relying on that experience to know that this experience “shall be for my good” as well.
So I made it through the wedding. I managed to control my emotions so I could see the music to play. I thought of my Sharing Time lesson to keep my mind off of some of the ceremony. Then I got in my car to drive home and an amazing thing happened. I wasn’t sad anymore. For that moment the sadness had passed. I recognized it, I felt it, and I let it go. I know it will come back, sometimes unexpectedly, but I just have to trust that the Lord knows better than I do and remember one day this too, “shall be for me good”.