Lets start with a picture:
Last week Chris and I were out food shopping and while we were there I picked out this outfit…
for a baby…
our baby that we might never have.
I’ll hold my hands up to the fact that when I see a “themed” baby outfit, I occasionally buy it. Not knowing what size or gender to pick – I still buy it. Then I come home and immediately regret buying it and put it in a plastic bin with all the other outfits I’ve bought but never had the chance to use.
Is this normal? Who knows – I am one of the only people I know who is open about her infertility – but I think it is.
But as I went to put yet another baby grow away I asked Chris, “Is it good that I am holding out a bit of hope or am I just hurting myself more by doing things like this?” And what is he supposed to say?? He just shook his head and said, “I don’t know Jamie, I don’t know.”
You see infertility affects the husband as well – just usually men aren’t so vocal. He wouldn’t dare tell me at the shop that I shouldn’t get the outfit – but I am sure buying it hurts his heart just like it hurts mine.
Usually I am fine with my infertility (fine might be a bit of an overstatement). When we had the boys here, after they left it was so hard and it was like the wound that infertility caused was healing and then it got ripped wide open again – this combined with not seeing any of our nieces and nephews haven’t helped – but healing comes slowly, I know that.
So I move on with life but then I’ll see something like parents passing each other their new born, a child calling out for his daddy, or an outfit at the shop and the “moving on” becomes a bit slower.
Then I have to re-examine why I am indulging in the pain that buying baby things brings – Am I living in hope or stuck in sadness?